Test Positive

Overwhelming, worries, stress, unfinished, unfulfilled, jealous, self-conscious.

These are words that can negatively affect a person's attitude, behavior, and take on life. Just reading them probably makes you feel a little down, as you can relate personally to each one. How do you respond to that? Do you dwell? Forget about it? Talk about it? Drink? Blame it on your parents? Beat yourself up?

I've spent too much time thinking - too much time delving into why I feel a certain way. This isn't a bad thing because discovering your root of emotions and thinking is important to personal development and understanding..

..wait for it..

As long as you don't dwell on it. Dwelling on the negativity (whether it is real or perceived) in your life can drag you down and downplay any positivity you would normally see in a situation. I used to be a completely positive person, thinking nothing bad about anyone, befriending everyone,and even keeping all my sarcasm as nice as possible. Gag, right? Well, someone convinced me this wasn't a good thing, so I developed harsher sarcasm, judgmental points of view, and negative self-reflection .. All interpreted as a "backbone."

Eventually, I lost grasp of a needed balance between the two trains of though and dove into the one that ultimately wasn't me. Outwardly, you can be "you" (or what you want people to perceive as you), but what happens inside eventually poisons that.

I found it permeating areas of my life where it has no business.

We tend to label things as "good" or "bad" immediately. You are running late and hit a stoplight: Bad. A skanky stranger talks to you: Probably an annoyance. Your coworker talks a lot: Bad. Your boyfriend has the wrong tone of voice: Bad.

Many who triumph never label what they go through as bad and lament over it. They simply take it as a given. If you never label something as bad, then you don't need positive thinking and the stress associated with getting something bad and experiencing it as such until you figure out how to make lemonade out of it and it goes away.

You don't have to pick up this load. Don't pick up that useless burden. When you dwell on the negative aspects of life and compare your failings to others' successes, you can become discouraged.

Maybe the solution is to retrain your thoughts. (The following is taken from the internets, but it explains perfectly exactly how I want to summarize these thoughts.)

"1. Live for yourself. When you constantly try to be the person others want you to be, you cheat yourself out on the individuality and your own dreams. Take a long hard look at what you want out of life and plan your daily routine to bring you closer to it.

2. You can't control outside circumstances, but you can control your reaction to them. If you're currently working for a demanding boss, make a conscious effort to tell yourself that his poor behavior can make you upset only if you allow it.

3. Leave your work at the office..mentally. When you step outside after a trying day's work, tell yourself that you have all day tomorrow to deal with the problems and mentally switch gears by thinking something positive or planning your next vacation, even I'd it's months away.

4. Slow down. When constantly pressed to finish tasks, you can develop a negative attitude towards life. If time is a commodity, figure out how you can schedule your chores more efficiently, like maybe waking up early.

5. Learn something new every day. You can encourage a positive attitude by always providing something new in your life. As a child, your curiosity led you to explore and learn. Recapture that feeling.

6. Make a list of the positive aspects of your life. Include your achievements, like humor or playing an instrument. Nothing negative should be on this list. You can read it when you need a mental boost.

7. Help others. Extending a helping hand to those in need makes you feel needed and worthwhile. Helping others allows us to be thankful for the blessing we have and helps us maintains positive attitude."

Breathe. Find balance. And live confidently for yourself so that you can be there for others.

Thanksgrubbing

Thanksgiving was, in one word, superdelicious. And I got three of them: Work, my family, Matt's family.

-Insert me want food-

Work's food was great. I found out that 6 coworkers made the stuffed croissants for their families' Thanksgiving! Master chef right here, y'all. I seriously ate about three plates, then had the equivalent of 3 dinners the next day. I told my dad this and he said "Good for you! You get that from me." No wonder I'm gaining weight, eating as much as a grown man.

My family's dinner was also great. Highlights: Dad deep-fried turkey and Grammy made amazing sweet potatoes and Kathy made squash casserole. And I ate. And ate.

At Matt's we had steak because why not? We're adults and can do what we want. Actually, I was glad for the switch-up, since I'll be feasting on leftovers til Valentine's Day.

As a side note, Thanksgiving is like the middle child of holidays. Between Halloween and Christmas, people and stores gloss over it, and it's too bad. I'm still not sure how I feel about black Friday turning into Black Midnight - for one, it's encroaching on the special holiday. Secondly, I know it stimulates the economy by almost 15% or something, but that takes the attention from family and fellowship to consumerism. I bet no one would even dare doing that for Christmas.

This is the time each year we have set aside to remind ourselves that, despite the uncertainty in the world - the wars, the economy, the job market - there are still plenty of things to be thankful for. And it's not $50 off electronics at WalMart.

Here are a few things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving:

1. My job and apartment. I can always want more and better, but I have what's perfect for my place in life now and I couldn't be luckier.
2. Good friends. Otherwise, my weekends would be boring and I wouldn't have anyone to text!
3. Matt. I'm not just thankful for him as my best friend a love, but for everything he's given me as a person. You want to find someone who challenges you and builds you up without ever knowing it, and he does that every day.
4. My and Matt's families.
5. People with a sense of humor and open mind. This world would go crazy without them.

We are lucky, lucky people.

Lazy Skankin' Ass Bitch

Last night was Tuesday, which means last night was pint night, which means I drank my heart out on $2.50 Newcastle. Classic case of cause and effect.

The waitresses at the Fox and the Hound are renown for making up for their slowness of service (and mentality) with deep V-neck shirts. The slower, the deeper.

Waitress: I can't wait for the beer list to be updated so I don't have to remember everything we have!

So what's Jeremie's take on this? He walks into the bar, joins our group, looks around at the selection of waitresses, and says, "We better not have no lazy skankin' ass bitch waiting on us." Oh yeah, he had also waited about 5 minutes for someone to come take his order, so it was called for. Miaya and I are still laughing at that new string of words.

Anyway, what Jeremie said ties into what I wanted to write about: Laziness.

Here are a few semi-relevant thoughts about laziness:

1. There is some amount of lazy in everybody and we have all encountered people we feel are 12 times more lazy than we are.

-Insert picture of Dagwood-

2. People arent doing what they ought to do, but not because of a lack of mobility, but a lack of motivation; it's more disinterest than anything.

3. Anxieties about failing can keep you from starting and/or completing a task. And even if it is started, there's a noticeable pattern of delay. This thought interests me because this tackles unresolved self doubts - a monster in all of us.

4. If you don't feel challenged by a task, it shows when you hesitate starting it or do a mediocre job.

5. It's really just not worth the effort.

Consider this excerpt from Psychology Today:
"Even though what we label procrastination may relate simply to poor time management, the act of procrastinating may also be motivated principally by the fear of failure. And such being a delaying tactic (commonly seen as depicting some sort of "laziness") generally goes back to our having learned in childhood that we weren't good enough if our performance was somehow flawed ..In fact, much of what we describe as perfectionism derives from having grown up in a home where our parents held us to realistically high standards that, unless we could meet them, led to us constantly being criticized."

Aaaand that's some self-reflection for a gloomy day and a pile of pills.

What have you been "lazy" about, and what is at the root of that laziness? If its affecting others or, more importantly, your productivity and happiness, is it something you can tackle?

Well, Every Day Can't be an Adventure

Today was one of those day when, if your life were a TV show, the producers would gloss over and hope the audience doesn't ask too many questions. Because it was lame.

Woke up (late), rushed to work, worked til my eyes hurt (eff you, HTML code that I can't fully grasp), left work at 4:59, and went to WalMart (!!). I know, right?

The workers were nice, but some rude patrons decided to discuss their dinner menu in front of the crescent rolls. AND I NEEDED ME SOME CRESCENT ROLLS. But more on that later.

After WalMart, I went to boyfriend's place to see his parents. Oh, and him. Well, once he finally left work. Think he stayed late to impress me/make it look like he works harder than I? Yes, Lauren, I'm sure that was his evil master plan.

HA HA HA!

While at Matt's, I cooked my specialty Cream-Cheese-and-Sausage-Stuffed Croissants (Man, I need to come up with a better name than that). On a level of mmmm good to mmmmmmmmmmm good, they are hands-down the latter.

This is mmmmmmmmm good.

So here's the sitch: These are as crazy easy as they are crazy good.

Ingredients

3 cans of crescent rolls

8 oz. of cream cheese

1 lb. of sausage

Directions

1. Heat oven to 375

2. Brown the sausage. Drain. Return to pan.

3. Add cream cheese. Stir until well combined. 

4. Scoop sausage mixture onto crescent rolls. Roll into crescent-style shapes. 

5. Bake for 11-13 minutes or until golden brown. 

OR UNTIL DELICIOIUS.

Aaaaaand I just uploaded my first blog recipe. *Facepalm* I have officially reached a new level  of adulthood. Yeah, adulthood. That's what we will call it. With that, I am going to end this adventurous day. But only because I want to; not because my cat has been incessantly meowing the whole time I've been writing this. "Pay attention to me." "Pet me." "Love me." Sheesh. So needy!

Sign she's mad: Won't look me in the eyes.

Sign she's mad: Gets between me and whatever is taking my attention away from her. 

Peace out, Thursday.

If I Drank Coffee, I'd be Drinking Coffee

I could not keep my eyes open this morning. After running over 2 old ladies and 1 crossing guard, I decided something needed to change. My options were to:

1. Start freaking waking up on time, you snoring loser
2. Get a blanket and curl up in the deserted office on my floor
3. Screw 1 and 2. Just blog/complain about it.

So hi. Welcome to me blogging/complaining about the impossibility of waking up on time.

Blogging/complaining turns me into an ugly man/boy.

The amount of sleep I get is not the issue. I love sleep too much to let anything get in the way. (Except on weekends, which is when I let nothing including sleep get in my way.) So during the weekday, I get the recommended 6-8 hours of shut eye.

"That freaking sun had better not get any closer."

But after those 6-8 hours, my alarm clocks go off. Yes, clockS. And every day, they're set for 6:30. Here's the routine: clocks go off at 6:30 and I either snooze or turn them completely off. Then, as time gets closer to 8:00, I get more nervous about being late, oversleeping, or becoming a permanent part of my oh-so-comfy mattress. Eventually it gets to the time (7:25) when I am too scared to snooze any longer. RUSH through a shower, RUSH through my closet finding something to wear, RUSH through the pantry for lunch (and breakfast if I am lucky), RUSH through the door, then RUSH to work.

I'm a blur, really.

I finally wake up around 10:00, which is when I realize I have been completely unproductive. Around 12:00, I finally look at myself in the mirror. ...We're not even gonna go there...

Aaaaand we went there. Yikes. Sorry about that.

And by 4:30, I am hungry due to my unfilling breakfast and/or lunch.

Case in point.

All the while I think, "I'm never going to do this again. This is way too much rushing." Except the next day I repeat it. And the next day. And the next day. And the next day. But not the next day, because it's Saturday. Duh.

What can I do to help me??
1. Hire a herd of horses to trample my apartment in the morning.
2. Give my cat a light saber that she can use to attack me if that snooze button is ever pressed.
3. Set my mattress on a timer to turn into hot lava 2 seconds after my alarm clocks go off.
4. Wake up on time.

I can't believe there were 201,000 results for "cat with light saber." My original jokes are apparently so unoriginal.

It's a hard decision, but I know one thing: Coffee does not make the list of possibilities. I've survived this long without it, so why cave in now? Yeah, carrying around a coffee cup and slurping on boiling liquid would make me look all professional, but is it worth it? Is it? NO. Taste buds, I will not do that to you. I would rather treat them to a nice cup of lukewarm hot chocolate.

This is the only way I can live with myself. There must be more to me than being a late snoozer.

Peace out, Wednesday.

Feeling 90% Better Makes Me Happy

I had to leave work yesterday because I was feeling as sick as a girl can feel. Booooo. Matt came by during his lunch break to make me feel better. Like the amazing boyfriend he is, he was being sweet even though I looked like death.

"Cutie, why are you so cute?"
"I'M NOT!! Look at me!!"

We have such great conversations.

So now that I can blog via my phone, I am going to try to post every day... Or you know, more than once every 5 months, which is my personal record. Im sure Miaya will be happy!

I Googled "Happy Russian."

The latest in my culinary adventures occurred during my breakfast this morning. (Well, considering we are talking about a cupcake, maybe I should consider it a reaaaallllly late dessert from yesterday.) This cupcake had glitter. 

¡It was a Ke$sha-fied cupcake! 

At work, I felt pretty useless because I was still getting to feeling better. So I did nothing. And that was ugh. So, to fix the ugh, I put my running shoes for *drumroll* the first time in 9 months. Since I broke my foot, I haven't been physically able to work out. 

This is me. Man, what an unflattering color shirt I have on.

So the run was terrible. My balance was off, my strides were uneven, my feet hit the ground wrong, and I couldn't go more than a few steps without feeling pain. It definitely did not help the ughs that I was feeling. In fact, the ughs turned into UGHs. 

Sad feet.

The rest of the night was spent with boyfriend. We ordered in Papa Johns and drank winter beer (which means its officially winter). Caught up on Sunday's episode of Dexter. Zagh, it was so good. If you need some good ol serial killer action in your life, watch this show. This season is especially great because he is starting to lose it. ...See how that's funny?

Matt being a man and fetching us some Papa Johns pizza.

Peace out, Monday.

Update on Meh Life

I wrote this in April. Somehow republished it so it, so it has October's date on it.

This "Update on Meh Life" is mostly directed toward my BFF, Elisabeth. She recently married and moved to Kentucky, and keeping in touch has proven harder than anticipated. Life gets in the way, daily to dos cloud "extra" activities, and by the time you have time to think about what you want to do, sleep is 15 minutes away.

I have had to learn that no matter how best of friends you can be, this simple fact can hinder a long-distance friendship. In an effort to improve this communication deficit, Elisabeth and I have created Google blogs.

For me, it is difficult because I write all day for work and it's hard to "bring work home with me" and continue writing, and for her it's difficult because she is taking care of her husband and home, ect.

Anyways, let me proceed.

Elisabeth,

The first thing that comes to mind is missing you. Buddy, you're my best friend. You have known me the longest and have heard my struggles from as early as 11 years old. You hold a special place in my heart and always will, for as long as I live. I say this with confidence because, over the past decade and a half (almost), we have kept in touch and delved into each other's souls.

That will not change.

I miss you. And know I have shed a couple tears while typing that sentence.

My personal life has been going well, I must say. I will admit that dating Matt has brought me closer to my family -- watching him interact with and respond to his family has encouraged me to interact more with mine, which he doesn't see as a big deal.

Elisabeth, you have been with me for 11 years and understand how opening up to my family is a big deal. This past Memorial Day, it was drinking beer. Believe it or not, that was a big step.

Getting all emotional is rare for me, and this post has made me weary. Elisabeth, please tell me what to expand upon, and I will.

Goodight.

I Love Poetry

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face..

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “'Go to hell.”'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime .............

Months Months Months Months Months Months

November 25: Month

December 25: Month month

January 25: Month month month

February 25: Month month month month

March 25: Month month month month month

April 25: Month month month month month month

Besides giving me the ability to type “month” faster than anyone this side of the Mason-Dixon, the above points out that today is the six-month anniversary of my and my boyfriend’s relationship. 

(Sidenote: Month month month month month month month month month [a.k.a. July 25] will double as my birthday!  Proper celebration is to be had.)

Cooking our anniversary dinner: Tilapia and pesto pasta
IN TEAM TEAMO SHIRT

However excited most girls are at six months, I probably have them beat.  Matt (he has a name!) is one of the most amazing people I have met and I am constantly amazed that he enjoys me so much.  Every day, I am better because of him; I want to be better.  I thank God for him, his presence, his humor, his care, his everything.  

I was going to make a list of why he is so amazing, but:

1. That would be disgusting
2. I would be writing for a long time, and I need to get to Music Fest
3. It would be disgusting

So, in short, I'll make a list of how he could be more amazing:

1.    
2. *cricket chirping*

His present to me: First verse of our song written on a frame with pictures corresponding to the lyrics.
D'aaaaw

This six month anniversary was one of our first milestones (the first one being his realizing my lack of  football knowledge.  That was a big one to get over.), and I smile thinking of all the ones to come.  

This is a Test

While "This is a Test" is the title of my first blog post (have to make sure me and the layout gel), it wouldn't hurt if it could be the title of a few months, years, lifetime of life.

The wispful comment made under the breath of adults wanting better for their past selves that would somehow transfuse into a more fulfilling present for themselves: "If I knew then what I know now..."

Things would be different. Things could be better. I wouldn't be sitting here thinking of the times I made a fool of myself, the things I didn't take seriously enough, and the opportunities I let slip by because I just didn't know.

What if you could knew what you know?

What if you understood the virtue of sharing as a child? the wisdom of parents' chiding? the power of knowledge retention as a student? the importance of being honest with those around you?

Everybody makes mistakes. Typically, we learn from them (albeit some more quickly than others -- and some just don't learn at all) and move on, putting another chalk mark under "Young and Stupid" or, in shorthand, "Experience."

But I don't think anyone really enjoys making mistakes. No matter how laid back or karma-ridden your philosophy is, there's that twinge everyone gets when they realize there was a better way.

So how about a round two after the "this is a test" round?

A round with minimal "shoulda coulda"s.

A round where "I can't wait" turns into "You know what? I'm enjoying this moment right here."

A round where you keenly appreciate the little things.

Would you do it? If you did, what would be different -- then and now?

Think this: Since reincarnation is still being debated, maybe it's not too late.