If I Drank Coffee, I'd be Drinking Coffee

I could not keep my eyes open this morning. After running over 2 old ladies and 1 crossing guard, I decided something needed to change. My options were to:

1. Start freaking waking up on time, you snoring loser
2. Get a blanket and curl up in the deserted office on my floor
3. Screw 1 and 2. Just blog/complain about it.

So hi. Welcome to me blogging/complaining about the impossibility of waking up on time.

Blogging/complaining turns me into an ugly man/boy.

The amount of sleep I get is not the issue. I love sleep too much to let anything get in the way. (Except on weekends, which is when I let nothing including sleep get in my way.) So during the weekday, I get the recommended 6-8 hours of shut eye.

"That freaking sun had better not get any closer."

But after those 6-8 hours, my alarm clocks go off. Yes, clockS. And every day, they're set for 6:30. Here's the routine: clocks go off at 6:30 and I either snooze or turn them completely off. Then, as time gets closer to 8:00, I get more nervous about being late, oversleeping, or becoming a permanent part of my oh-so-comfy mattress. Eventually it gets to the time (7:25) when I am too scared to snooze any longer. RUSH through a shower, RUSH through my closet finding something to wear, RUSH through the pantry for lunch (and breakfast if I am lucky), RUSH through the door, then RUSH to work.

I'm a blur, really.

I finally wake up around 10:00, which is when I realize I have been completely unproductive. Around 12:00, I finally look at myself in the mirror. ...We're not even gonna go there...

Aaaaand we went there. Yikes. Sorry about that.

And by 4:30, I am hungry due to my unfilling breakfast and/or lunch.

Case in point.

All the while I think, "I'm never going to do this again. This is way too much rushing." Except the next day I repeat it. And the next day. And the next day. And the next day. But not the next day, because it's Saturday. Duh.

What can I do to help me??
1. Hire a herd of horses to trample my apartment in the morning.
2. Give my cat a light saber that she can use to attack me if that snooze button is ever pressed.
3. Set my mattress on a timer to turn into hot lava 2 seconds after my alarm clocks go off.
4. Wake up on time.

I can't believe there were 201,000 results for "cat with light saber." My original jokes are apparently so unoriginal.

It's a hard decision, but I know one thing: Coffee does not make the list of possibilities. I've survived this long without it, so why cave in now? Yeah, carrying around a coffee cup and slurping on boiling liquid would make me look all professional, but is it worth it? Is it? NO. Taste buds, I will not do that to you. I would rather treat them to a nice cup of lukewarm hot chocolate.

This is the only way I can live with myself. There must be more to me than being a late snoozer.

Peace out, Wednesday.